It's days like these that I wonder why I go to college and try. I just took my first Anatomy practical and lecture exam and I failed both of them. I have always had trouble with tests in school. I would do great on homework and class assignments but when it came to tests I just couldn't do it. Yeah there were some that I did good on and obviously I passed because I made it to college. I just wonder how I did it sometimes. I mean I stink at math and can barely take tests to pass a class. I just wonder why am I doing this? I mean already I won't graduate in 5 years, half is because I changed my major, but the other half is because I have had to retake classes and that has put me behind. I am anticipating graduating in the Spring of 2014, but if I fail again I'm afraid I'll be even more behind and have to stay longer. Maybe it's a good thing I changed my mind about becoming a nurse, if I'm like this it would probably take me a lot longer than it should just to get my certification. Instead I will graduate with my health promotion degree and work at a health company helping them promote healthy living, or I will find another job I am interested in.
I have always been very hard on myself, I get stressed out about the simplest things and I cry whenever I'm stressed. I don't know why, it's just always been like that. I remember when I was a Senior in High School one of my teachers signed my yearbook and said I should not be so hard on myself, that I was smart and I didn't need to stress myself out more than needed. I found it funny that someone recognized how hard I am on myself. The reason I'm hard on myself is not really for my benefit. Yes I want a good job and be happy in life, but honestly I do it for other people. I do it for my parents, my grandparents, family in general, my teachers, all the people I know at my church, and people who have known me since I was young. I want people to be proud of me, not to be disappointed in the decisions I make or how I turn out. Whenever someone is disappointed in me I get heartbroken, I love helping people and especially making them happy. That's the reason why I am so hard on myself. There is no use in me trying to stop it because I know for sure it won't stop, that's just who I am.
Til Next Time!
We need to have a long talk, little one! You cry because you are a "feeler"! Me too, and I will have you listen to a CD I have that will explain alot! Remind me if I forget. Just keep looking up, it really does help. Remember that you are standing on solid rock, and that helps, too. Try not to be down, on yourself - or in general. I can tell you, from a long way down the same road, it isn't worth it and it is a complete waste of time. I have thought about it since reading this post, and I don't think you could ever disappoint me, and I have known you since you came into existence! The fact is, you make me proud! Love you, kiddo!
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